God Doesn't Fit

I am a biology student, going into my senior year of college.  I am also getting a minor in anthropology. These two degrees are where you normally find most of your agnostics and atheists. I come from a deeply religious family, my parents being firm Lutherans, and anit-evolution.

However, I do not follow their line of thinking what so ever.

I consider myself an agnostic atheist: meaning that that I truly do not know if there is or is not a god or deity, but I personally do not believe that there is. With how I view the world, I see no place for god or a creator. I like to take what I learn and apply it to how I see the world, and with my scientific academics so far, god does not belong in my world view.

Evolution is true,there is overwhelming evidence for this theory. (And for you people that are like "it's just a theory", its a scientific theory, and that is the highest form an idea can get in the academic world. i.e. Gravity is just a theory, germs are just a theory, etc.) And I have taken this over whelming evidence and put it into my world view. And that alone pushed out any idea of creationism from my mind.

Why the christian god does not work for me is the bible alone is full of barbaric ideas and actions done by this so called "loving" god. Even if he did create humanity, I would not want to worship such an evil being that would force girls to marry their rapist, accept human sacrifice, kill millions of innocents just because a few of the population were "evil". No. This is not a "god" I would worship even if I was open to the idea of a deity.

Over all I am happy with this, since I have admitted this to myself I have felt this great weight lift off of my shoulders. My entire life I felt this heavy pressure to believe in a god, having to fear and love this god or else I would go to hell and burn. Now coming to this conclusion, I feel better, about life, about myself and how the world works.

Summer Classes Coming to an End

I have been taking summer classes for the past few weeks, I took BioChem and am now finishing up Physics, and anthropology class and a Ucoll class. So far its been really fast paced so I'm always busy with something. Not having been home in months I feel really great, I've had the few check up calls from my mother but nothing serious from them. But I am heading home in a couple of weeks after classes finish and I am not looking forward to it. I know my mother is going to get on my ass as usual and I really do not want to go home for that shit.
I got a new therapist, this is my third one this year, and quite frankly I am annoyed at the fact I keep getting pushed to someone new. I liked my last two therapists and this one seems nice but I don't care much for here and I had for my last two. I had really liked my second one, she was much more like a mother than anything else and I was comfortable around her; but she apparently had finished her internship at WSU and was on to her own practice now.
I am tired all the time now, its been about a year that I have been beyond tired, and no matter how much sleep I get I never feel any better.
I miss my boy friend everyday, there is never a day that I do not cry over how much I miss him. I spent the 4th of July with him and since then I cry over how much I miss him. I think I may have grown overly attached, seeing as I have had bad relationships in the past and this is my first really healthy one. Everyday is a struggle not to cry, and my anti-depression meds that are suppose to curb my emotions feel like that are not working anymore, even though I got the amount I am taking up-ed.
Over all this summer has been tiresome and slowly becoming more miserable. But the one get thing it that I have gotten my second tattoo, its a large Celtic tree of life on my left shoulder blade. The artist did very well and it looks very clean. I love tattoos and have a dozen or so more planned out for the rest of my life. I want to be covered in Celtic knots one day.

I hate my parents

I went home for mother's day, to be a good daughter and give her some of my time. I got into a heated argument with her and my father, primary because I believe in evolution and they do not. My parents ended the argument with threatening to take me out of school. Needless to say this fucking pissed me off. They believe that the universities are where socialism is bred and people loose faith in good. That may be true for me, I no longer am the conservative girl they raise and I no longer believe in a god, but I have found freedom here. My friends accept me, they accept my ideas and beliefs, they do not threaten to hurt me when I present my thoughts and ideas. I have an environment here were I have a voice and can finally figure myself out, it was here were I finally got help for my depression and it was here that I have made some of my best friends.
I feel safe here at school, or at least I did until today when my father sent me a horrible text. I sent one first, with a picture of a crocheted critter I had made, he replied with "Adorable, so since you have the free time, go to the gym". Since when is it my father's business that I go to the gym? Since when did he fucking care about my weight? My mother and her mother always make comments on my weight but never EVER has my father. I use to think he was just distancing himself from me due to that fact I'm a grown woman now, but after such a comment like that, I don't know what to think of him anymore. His remark has made me lose all respect for him.

I Hate My Mother

So I haven't written here in a while, I have had all intent to but just lacked motivation, as of right now I'm using this as a distraction from studying Ochem. But I do want to rant some, especially about this last week where I was at home due to spring break. Now that I have started taking this AD meds I was worried about going home and that my mother would find out, since I know she would make me stop (she doesn't believe in mental illnesses like depression and thinks it's just a mind set you can change at will). She never saw or found out, thank goodness, but she still ended up annoying the hell out of me the entire week.
To talk about my mother brings up very angry feelings, so forgive me for my need to curse in these next bit.
My mother is a hypocrite, the biggest one I know and I hate her and her "god" for all their lies and bullshit.
When I went home, I wasn't even in my parents house for an hour before my mother commented on my weight and told me I needed to lose it. I wanted to scream at her and kick the shit out of her fat ass. She is heavier than me, and her stomach far exceeds her breasts, unlike me where I am perfectly per-portioned to where my boobs are much bigger than my stomach, even though I am over weight. But this was only the first insult of the week.
The second issue I had with my mother was a few days later after I got birth control from my doctor for my intensely painful cycle. The doctor said the pill would help with the pain, the effects of my digestive system, the heavy amounts of blood, etc. When I got home and told her all this, and was very excited because I get so sick during that time of the month, and these drugs would only give me one period every three months, so I was stoked! The first words out of my mother's mouth were "this does not give you the permission to have sex". I wanted to punch her fat fucking face. She cannot tell me what to do with my body. Plus she didn't even fucking care! She didn't care that this would relieve my pain, or that this would help me at all, she only cared about that fact that is would prevent pregnancy.Well fuck her! I've been having sex with my boy friend for over six months! So fuck you mother!
Ugh this is the woman who, to my face, told me I was jealous of my much thinner sister. Even after arguing with her, telling her I was NOT, and I would NEVER want to be like my sister in any way, but she still believes I am. Fuck her!
The third and last thing that makes me hate her fucking guts was when she said the most hypocritical thing. She was telling me about her cousin and how her cousin talks down about her chubbier daughter(the other 3 are all thin and athletic). My mother then mentioned how horrible that was and how you should never put down your child because they are over weight. You've read the above right? Do you see how hypocritical she is being here?! I wanted to much to yell at her and tell her to take her own fucking advise! But I didn't.
I stayed quiet all week, said out of the way and quiet. I just wanted to get through the week without any fights with my mother, so I could see my boy friend and my friends. I hate her, and as I grow older I realise that the less she knows about me the better.
Talk at ya later,
Bri

Yes I get medication now...

This past weekend, even though I have three days off instead of two, was not nearly long enough. I had a mountain of homework (most I got done), various hobbies project(barely got any done), and sleep, I did not get nearly as much sleep as I would have liked.
Well anyway to get to the main subject of my self pity rant for today; last week I was issued by my therapist to go seek medication for my depression. I had told her some things and personally I felt she blew it way out of per portion by calling in her supervisor(she's a "student" still I guess) and making me a suicidal prevention plan if I felt an on come of the issues I had be telling her. So what worries me the most about her wanting me to get on meds, is my parents finding out. They have never known, and I have never planned on telling them. See, my father is emotionally distant and it has increases ten fold since starting college, and my mother demeans and tells me my worries are nothing compared to her worries or the issues of my brother and sister. Every time I've ever opened up to her, she has to lecture me and tell me my worries and fears and pain is worthless and unimportant. So I don't tell them anything anymore, the less they know the better in most cases.
Well today I went to the physiatrist and got a persricption for meds. Fun yeah? They are cheap and like 4$ at walmart so hopefully I don't need to tell my parents.
 Talk at ya later
Bri

Stress Be-GONE! I demand it....

Soc exam DONE. Ochem exam DONE. 3 page paper BEEN DONE. Abstract for bio writing class DONE. Ochem lab DONE. Fucking hell the stress is slowly melting away, however, there are still some major projects I need to do before the end of the week. To yell at you some more, I still have to write up my ochem lab, study for an ecology quiz, and write up a reading response, all before Friday. And this pile is nothing compared to the mountain I have to conquer this weekend. At least the roommate is leaving for the 3 day weekend, and maybe I can actually get some shit done unlike last weekend.
To dive into my annoyance for last week, let tell you about how it all went. Friday started out like any other Friday. Small annoyances added up throughout the day, and lead to a near explosion later that night. In more detail of my annoyances, with the addition of the three previously mentioned females that always urk me with just living, there is a male, in my archaeology class. This BOY so freaking retarded, loud, talkative and never shuts the FUCK UP! When he isn't annoying the teacher and me with his stupid remarks and questions, he's HUMMING! Loud enough to clearly hear him, and it happens WHILE THE TEACHER IS TALKING! While he's talking.... I so wanted to turn around and punch the fucking moron. But I always hold back, always I keep my mouth shut and let these dumb asses make their dumb ass remarks. Sometimes I wonder if I just snap and let them have it, will I feel better? Would it be worth it? Would they get it through their thick skulls?
I don't know. I want to find out, but those consequences, they worry me. I don't want to be arrested or expelled.
I'm tired now, thanks for reading, if you are.
Talk at ya later
Bri

1:17 in the morning

Well I spent most of my night actually being productive, even got food at Walmart with the roomie. I officially hate organic chem. It is draining on so much of my memory. But at least I'm going to hit the hay for a few hours before my first class.
But before I pass the fuck out I want to give a more or less secret thank you to my boyfriend Bryan. For staying up with me, being so cute and sweet lately, and being everything I ever wanted or needed in a guy. You may never read this, but I love you so much. You have been so much good and happiness in my life.
To the rest of you, peace, kill babies, raid porn sets, hug your cat/dog or both, and I'll talk at ya later.
Bri